I don’t know about you but I have been addressing the BAD addiction I have to my phone. Without making a story about it, I am acknowledging that this addiction is based on a pattern of avoidance.
When I am in this pattern, I am often on my phone first thing in the morning, before I even get out of bed. Not good!
I know that possibilities for my life is diminished when I am on my phone, so why do I choose to be on my phone so often? What am I afraid of receiving?
I realized that in this questioning, I am touching a vulnerable spot. This spot says “you are not worthy of receiving more.”
I cary some shame around this, which is why I am sharing this. When we share our stories, shame dissolves.
What happened next was very interesting to me. Instead of feeling pulled down by this feeling of scarcity and shame, I felt inspired to share. I felt the Muse, an energy that I feel may of us, especially women, tap into when we are in connection with our Soul.
Because it was still morning time (it was still dark and I hadn’t yet gotten out of bed), which is when the energy between night and day is blended, I felt tapped into the liminal.
We are able to weave our consciousness with the unseen, and if we can hold an intention, we can do some really powerful stuff in this space.
This is why most new age spiritual traditions are all about morning practice!
So this morning, my mind was really active with inspiration as I was meeting this pattern within myself. Within moments of sitting with this spot, all shame dissolved and all I felt was love and from this place I felt empowered to share.
I consider myself an empowerment guide (which I share about in this episode) and so much of my life and work is related to helping women see their beauty, power, and gifts.
I do this because I had to offer this to myself. Over and over again.
I choose to shift out of victim consciousness into self-love, every day.
This journey, and all that I have and continue to learn along the way, has completely transformed my life (and even my face, I don’t even look like the same woman I was 10 years ago, evidence bellow).
I am going to share with you an image that I talk about in this episode because I think it speaks volumes. This is an image of a woman who does not love herself. This is an image of a woman who is filled with shame. This is a woman with so much stuck grief and pain, she can barely move. This is a woman who, although she is has accomplished academically (two degree’s in political science), has reached a dead end and has no idea where to go next. This is a woman who has been stuck in an unhealthy relationship for over a decade.
This is a woman of a 1,000 masks.
This is a woman who was finally willing to see herself, her wisdom and strength and discover how much love lived inside of her.
This is the caption I wrote on the last image:
“I have heard that every tear is as unique as a snow flake. Some carry the weight of too much inertia while others are as light as the first petal of spring. I imagine as we get older they start to take on a whole new shape all together.
Some nights I stay awake with my tears because I feel like I am finally in my own company. Like a ghost behind a wall, a tear reminds you that you are not alone.
When we cry more than normal or when we feel the need to ask ourselves to cry less, it is because apart of ourselves is reaching towards a recognition. Why do we fear this so?
They say you will know depression once it hits, yet we still talk about it as if it is something that can be explained to those who have never experienced it. Depression is like knowing the taste of a breath before you have taken in, like feeling the weight of a tear before it has fallen.
Perhaps I was blessed with a loving father who taught me how to really cry. Or perhaps it is because I have known what it is like to be attacked by a fit of tears as dozens of strangers walk past1. Perhaps it is because I know the small victory of holding firm against a swelling tide in just about every 'inconvenient' situation conceivable.
Some things are just meant to come undone, whether we feel ready or not. A single positive thought is all you need to turn a tear into a seed of joy as it falls into the cracks of your wounded heart.
I am not in an easy place but it is a good one.”
Today I am so grateful for the journey that I have walked since that time. I am still very much in the Self-Expression Experiment and will be until the day I die. I know what freedom and joy feels like in my body in ways that the woman in the above photo’s could not quite imagine.
I continue to audaciously pour love into myself and express from this place. I hope you will give yourself permission to as well.
In gratitude,
Jenny
This line is in reference to a traumatic incident what ultimately triggered a Dark Night of the Soul (which I am obviously at the threshold of). I was attacked by a man in public while living in Berlin and no one intervened. You can see here that I am using writing and image to heal this pain by touching the truth of my vulnerability and sharing as an act of self-love.
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